


Comfortable Uncertainty

by stungrenade



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, no idea when this is supposed to take place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 17:01:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20213209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stungrenade/pseuds/stungrenade
Summary: “Leorio,” he started, talking at the wall.“Kurapika,” Leorio replied, talking at the other wall. “Don’t worry about it.”Kurapika kept quiet. He was worrying about it.==Kurapika meets up with Leorio, Gon, and Killua after a while with no contact. However, the strain on his relationship with Leorio is hard to ignore.





	Comfortable Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> first post in over 3 years cus the writers block was so bad omfg... hope i can finish more fics soon :D

The clock had just struck 2:57 in the morning when Kurapika’s body decided it was time to wake up for the day. In no way was this an ideal or refreshing awakening, though. It was a little more like he had just woken up in a stiff-bodied, cold sweat from the same recurring nightmares his sleep had been plagued with for almost a full week now. Exhaling from his nose in a rather frustrated manner, Kurapika sat up a bit to rest on his elbows, one hand massaging his temples. He slowly moved his eyes around the dimly lit room, mapping out shapes of furniture and doorways to confirm his current location. He hoped it would eventually calm his nerves. It was ok, he thought to himself, he wasn't in danger or had anything to fear here.

For the past week or so, Kurapika, alongside Killua and Gon, had been spending their time settled in Leorio’s apartment. It was a joint idea between Leorio and Gon after months of the four of them not seeing each other, only loosely connected through games of phone tag and short messages in the mail. Once they had finally reunited in person, Leorio had declared that however long they ended up staying together was going to be focused around relaxation and fun. For some reason, Kurapika hadn’t been able to look Leorio in the eyes while he said it.

He had been trying his best, though. Daytime with the trio brought Kurapika to a warm, comforting place in his head that he had almost forgotten existed. If there was a version of Kurapika that felt truly alive and comfortable, this was about as close as he was going to get to him. Daytime activities lead to evenings spent in diners, squashed up in a small booth with Leorio’s arm brushing against his every so often. They would share side-eyed glances at each other while Killua and Gon were busy squabbling over french fries, and although the physical contact made Kurapika’s heart skip a few beats every now and then, the question of his and Leorio’s relationship hung heavy over the two of them.

There was no doubt in Kurapika’s mind that Leorio was just as aware of the tension as he was. They had both been equally complicit in fueling this fire over the years they had known each other. From Leorio’s lingering gentle touches to Kurapika’s vaguely flirtatious side comments, the two of them had let their relationship float in comfortable uncertainty for the longest time. Kurapika knew Leorio’s concern for him ran deeper than just a close friend, and he was sure Leorio knew that Kurapika knew. 

Except now it felt a little different. Kurapika knew it was entirely his fault, his fault for being busy, his fault for trying to remove everyone from his life completely, his fault for thinking he could ignore a living, breathing, human being who cared about him so intensely. It seemed like something about Leorio had changed since the last time they had talked in person, simply because now he seemed harder to read. It kept Kurapika on edge, not knowing whether he was expected to keep up his end of their pseudo-relationship or pull Leorio aside and apologize to him. 

He didn’t know what to do, and he wasn’t sure Leorio knew either. What used to be comfortable uncertainty now felt a hell of a lot more like uncomfortable uncertainty.

Nevertheless, questions were left unanswered every night as he and Leorio separated to their own sleeping areas to dream their own dreams. Kurapika would sit in bed and wait until Gon and Killua could no longer be heard in the guest bedroom next door, before shutting off the lights and tumbling into a turbulent sleep that never seemed to last more than a few short hours.

It wasn’t at all that his sleeping conditions were unsatisfactory. Leorio’s room was well heated and his bed was soft and the sheets smelled the slightest bit of his cologne; the familiarity of it all was more soothing than anything. Sleep came easy, but wasn’t sticking. It seemed as though even under the safest conditions possible, the torment of Kurapika’s own unconscious mind was not something that could be escaped. 

His nightmares were relentless and terrifying, although not the overexaggerated Hollywood kind that made movie characters gasp and sit straight up upon waking. They left Kurapika frozen and gripping the blankets, unaware of where he was and whether or not he was safe. He often found it difficult to tell if the dream was genuinely over, as if the threat possessed the ability to worm its way out of the dreamscape with Kurapika. He stayed quiet while he was dreaming, quiet while being ripped out of the dream, and even quieter during the minutes spent pacing around Leorio’s room. Where he would go after that depended on his mood. On some nights he would simply get back into bed and shut all the lights off, blocking off his senses until his body had no choice but to give up and lose consciousness again. Other nights he would venture out across the hallway to Leorio’s office, settle down in a chair, and pick the same book about medical anomalies off the shelf to keep himself busy until the sun came up.

Tonight's dream, however, left Kurapika with a disgusting taste in the back of his throat, so he decided that getting himself a glass of water wouldn't hurt. Kurapika sighed loudly into the darkness of Leorio’s room, untangling himself from the blankets and blindly reaching for the lamp next to the bed. After missing the switch three times in a row, he came to the conclusion that this dream had left him a little more shaken up than usual.

Opening the door as quietly as possible, Kurapika tiptoed past Gon and Killua’s room, and made sure to be even more silent while passing Leorio in the living room.

Leorio was sprawled out on his couch and snoring loudly, looking as if he were dangerously close to slipping off the edge and falling on the floor. Stopping to stare at him for a second, Kurapika wondered how the hell he was capable of sleeping so deeply on such a tiny couch when he seemed to take up so much space. Unable to come to a conclusion, Kurapika simply moved on and continued silently into the kitchen, which was unfortunately very close to the couch Leorio was situated on.

It took a second for Kurapika to remember which cabinet Leorio kept his cups in, so he spent a bit opening and closing random doors as quietly as he could. When he finally found the right one, he reached to grab the first cup he saw, but in his exhausted frenzy, the thing slipped out of his hands and landed on the counter with a loud glassy thud.

Kurapika cursed quietly under his breath, tensing up and feeling around to make sure the glass hadn’t shattered. He didn’t realize Leorio’s snoring had ceased until it was too late.

“Kurapika...?”

With his back turned to Leorio and his bewildered, half-asleep voice, Kurapika picked up the glass and felt the surface over with his fingers.

“I cracked one of your cups, I’m sorry,” he said, opening the cabinet and putting it back. Suddenly he wasn’t very thirsty anymore.

“‘S fine,” Leorio slurred, and Kurapika heard the couch creak as he got up. “Why’re you awake?”

Kurapika turned around. In the dark, Leorio resembled a big lanky monster one would find deep in the woods in a cliche horror story. Kurapika rubbed his eyes.

“Bad sleep.”

Leorio was on the other side of the kitchen now, leaning on the counter. “You wanna talk about it?” he asked around a yawn.

“Not really,”

“That’s fine,” Leorio said, shuffling a little closer until he was within arm’s reach of Kurapika. “Have you been getting enough sleep?”

Kurapika breathed in through his nose and sighed. He didn’t want to lie to Leorio, because it seemed like the guy was a human lie detector, especially when it came to Kurapika. “Not really,” he settled with saying again. Leorio hummed in response.

There was a short silence before he spoke up again. “Do you want me to do anything? You know, to help you out,” he said, and Kurapika furrowed his brow.

“Like sleep medication?” he asked, and Leorio shook his head.

“I don’t have any of that right now. I meant like-- Ahh, uh...” he trailed off, staring at the stripes on Kurapika’s borrowed socks rather than the rest of Kurapika. “Do you think if we--” he continued, motioning wildly with his hands. “Would you feel any better if we were in the same bed?”

The offer took Kurapika by surprise, even though he knew it shouldn’t have. He should have known Leorio would skip the weird feelings talk and attempt to dive straight back into old routine. Even if it felt strange, Kurapika searched his brain for an appropriate answer. Back when things were okay, what would he have done? What would he have said? 

He was thinking in circles. The thought of sharing a bed with Leorio was making his head spin. When he realized Leorio was still waiting for a response, probably just as nervous as he was, Kurapika settled for just snorting. “I’m not five, Leorio.” he said, hoping he didn’t sound too unsure of himself.

“You know that’s not how I meant it,” Leorio sighed, and yeah, Kurapika knew that wasn’t how he meant it. “I thought you and I--” His shoulders sagged as the sentence died off, and Kurapika felt the fat cloud of uncertainty hanging even heavier than before. “I know how easy you fall asleep when I’m there,” he said, and Kurapika felt awful now. Sensing the mood, Leorio quickly followed his last sentence up with a joking remark about how the couch was beginning to hurt his back.

“You can take your bed then, you old man,” Kurapika replied, dancing right over the topic of sleeping with Leorio. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“You’re ignoring me, you’re cherry picking,” Leorio retorted, shaking his head. “Listen, I want to. We’ll both sleep better.” 

All Kurapika could do was stand there. He swallowed, quickly glancing up to look Leorio in the face for a few seconds. Before he could run away from it any further, though, Leorio reached out one hand as an invitation. “If there aren’t any objections, it’s three in the morning and I want to go back to sleep.”

Feeling more than a little awkward, Kurapika let Leorio drag him along by the hand with only a short sigh. As they exited the living area and approached the guest bedroom, Leorio slowed to put his ear to the door. 

“I can hear them snoring in there,” he whispered, cracking the door open a bit to check on Killua and Gon. Kurapika peeked in as well.

Gon and Killua had fallen asleep with one of the lights on, kicked a blanket onto the floor, and left a trail of clothes scattered around the room. The two boys were passed out on the bed, Gon on his back, limbs spread-eagled, Killua laying on his stomach with an arm thrown over Gon’s chest. Both of them were snoring, although Killua’s snores were muffled by pillows. 

Kurapika was almost jealous of them. It must be nice, he thought, being younger and totally unconcerned with the logistics of managing relationships. It must feel great to be so open and comfortable with another person. Kurapika wished he was more like Gon in that sense.

His thoughts were cut short when Leorio reached around for the lightswitch and plunged the guest room into darkness. He shut the door as gently as he could before turning away and heading for the room next door. Kurapika trailed behind him, eyes on Leorio’s back. 

Sure, he had slept in close quarters with Leorio before. In the same room, on public transportation, even next to him on the floor in some cases. In his bed with him would be a first, though. Like this they would have complete privacy (at least until morning). Like this was more intimate, a step in their “relationship” that Kurapika wasn’t sure he deserved. It didn’t feel right to him, continuing this act as if nothing was weird between them.

He watched Leorio settle into the side of the bed closer to the lamp, the side Kurapika had previously been sleeping on. Reluctantly, he circled around to the opposite side to pull himself under the covers as well. Leorio shut off the light then, pulling the blankets over his arms and leaning back into the pillows without turning towards Kurapika.

Even though their backs were to each other and they still had inches of space between them, Kurapika felt suffocated. He had to say  _ something _ .

“Leorio,” he started, talking at the wall.

“Kurapika,” Leorio replied, talking at the other wall. “Don’t worry about it.”

Kurapika kept quiet. He was worrying about it.

God, he wished he could read Leorio’s mind right now. Tapping his fingers against the mattress, Kurapika desperately tried to pick him apart in an attempt to figure out what he was supposed to do. He thought back to old times, about the old dynamic, the way they had to understand and use the subtle meanings behind each other’s actions in order to figure out exactly what to do or say next. 

Kurapika’s fingers halted mid-fidget when it all clicked into place. He felt ridiculously stupid. Nothing about Leorio had changed at all, it was him himself who had changed. Leorio had been throwing him bones nonstop since the beginning of the week, inviting him to stay over, giving up his room for him, paying for his dinner, and now, sleeping in the same bed as him. He was giving Kurapika ample opportunity to show that he still felt some kind of way about him, but Kurapika’s new attitude of distance and isolation was pulling the wool over his eyes.

Back when he wasn’t so like this, Leorio would push and Kurapika would shove back. Leorio could make moves and fully expect Kurapika to meet him in the middle. Now, Leorio was making move after move but all Kurapika could do was sit there like an idiot, and it was honestly making him feel like shit.

Slowly, he turned his head to look over his shoulder at the Leorio-shaped mass behind him. He had to do something, anything, or else he didn’t think he would be able to fall asleep.

Kurapika watched the steady rise and fall of Leorio’s shoulders from across the bed. He wanted to reach over and touch them, massage the tension and doubts out of them as an apology for being such a jerk. Maybe physical contact was the answer to this problem, he decided. Adjusting the blankets, Kurapika rolled over to face Leorio and closed the distance between them. He nestled into the warm expanse of Leorio’s back, curling an arm around his waist. Frozen in place, he waited.

Leorio breathed in for a long time, then out with a content sigh. He relaxed against Kurapika, muttering a quiet “goodnight” into the pillow. Chest quickly filling with relief and some other warm, fuzzy feeling, Kurapika returned the gesture, lips against the fabric of Leorio’s t-shirt. Neither of them moved.

The bed was warm, Leorio was warm, and Kurapika’s head was swimming with a deadly combination of mixed emotions and exhaustion. He closed his eyes, praying for an empty-headed sleep to just take him already. He had done too much thinking today.

\--

The next time Kurapika opened his eyes, it wasn’t to darkness and an empty bed. He blinked a few times, the sunlight streaming through the blinds burning into his eyelids no matter how hard he tried to squint it away. Reaching up to rub his eyes, he was met with resistance. His arm seemed to be trapped underneath something, and any attempt to move it was followed by the uncomfortable tingling feeling of a numb limb. Turning his head lazily to find the source, he came face to face with Leorio. 

Leorio was still asleep, head resting on top of and effectively trapping Kurapika’s arm. It seemed that at some point in the night Kurapika had rolled onto his back, Leorio following in order to maintain contact with him. 

With a sigh, Kurapika leaned his head against Leorio’s, enjoying the feeling of the mattress underneath him and the heat of the person beside him. He yawned, eyes on the ceiling, wondering to himself what was going to happen after this. Was everything okay now? Was last night some kind of unspoken mutual agreement? 

He supposed it was probably okay. 

He wiggled his fingers, the feeling rushing back all of a sudden in pins and needles. Despite Leorio’s current position, Kurapika rolled his shoulder, cringing at the sensations running up and down his arm. The sudden jostling pulled Leorio out of his sleep with a confused groan, and he sat himself up on one elbow, rubbing his face with his other hand. Kurapika snatched his arm back, stretching it across his chest and wincing. 

Leorio collapsed back onto the bed and glanced over at Kurapika, still blinking the sleep out of his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, and so did Kurapika, but both of them were interrupted by a call from outside the room. 

_ “Leorio?”  _

It was Gon, who was probably wandering around the apartment with Killua, wondering where Leorio had disappeared to in the middle of the night. 

Kurapika snapped fully awake at this, ripping the covers off himself and ignoring Leorio’s cries in protest. He stumbled over to his pile of clothes next to the bed, grabbing the first thing he saw and heading towards the door so he could change in the bathroom.

“Kurapika--” Leorio started, but Kurapika cut him off.

“Come back tonight,” he said, glancing over his shoulder for just long enough to see Leorio’s tired eyes light up. 

He shut Leorio’s bedroom door behind him, weaving around Gon and Killua to get to the bathroom and making an offhand remark about how no, he hadn’t seen Leorio around this morning. 

Once in the bathroom, Kurapika dropped everything and turned on the sink, pulling back his hair and sticking his face under the cold water to clear his mind. He reached around blindly for a nearby towel when he was finished, drying his face vigorously with it. Standing in front of the mirror, he placed both hands firmly on the counter and stared himself down.

Through the walls, Kurapika heard a door open, followed by a “Huh?” from Gon and a “What are you doing in  _ here _ ?” from Killua. 

“This is my room!” he heard Leorio protest, and then all three voices at once, drowning each other out in an awful cacophony of laughter, teasing, and argument.

Yeah, Kurapika thought to himself. It was going to be okay.


End file.
